


look at the stars, look how they shine for you

by hotelbooks



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5sos AU, Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I'm so sorry, It's 3AM, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past Muke, Sad Calum, Sad Michael, Self-Harm, Suicide, This is really sad, ashton isn't mentioned, idk what this is, malum, muke if you squint, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 13:34:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4481174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotelbooks/pseuds/hotelbooks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>calum doesn't know why he believes it, but he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	look at the stars, look how they shine for you

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired by a conversation me and my best friend mara had one night while on a late night walk. she also helped me write this. thank you mara. 
> 
> also!! this is a bit triggering so please don't read if you're easily triggered. please be careful, i love you xx

calum doesn't know why he believes it, but he _does_.

 

it's like religion, really; some people believe in god, or in some type of god, and some people don't. that's just how it works. but this is far from religion, it's not believing in god itself, but more of a _myth_ or a _rumour_.

 

but it just _can't_ be classified as a rumour, you see. alas, this is _far_ too large to be considered a rumour, since it is believed and laughed at around the _world_ \- the _entire_ world.

 

"do you see those stars in the sky?" calum's mother, joy, asks the small boy sitting in her lap. calum stares at the sky, almost in _awe_ at how beautiful the stars are (and although he's seen the stars many times before, at the age of 5, it's absolutely breathtaking to just look up at night). she continues, "there's a story my father told me about them- a story that has been around for many years."

 

"a story?" calum asked, shifting to get more comfortable in his mother's lap. she nodded. "tell me!"

 

"well, many people believe that each person on the earth has their own special star," joy explained. "that means you have a star, calum."

 

"really?!" he asked in excitement, pointing to the sky. "where is it?" 

 

joy laughed. "honey, there are billions of stars in the sky. i can't tell you which one is yours." calum pouted, but let her continue the story. "well, since everyone on earth has a star, when someone is born, a new star appears in the sky. people also believe that when they leave the earth, their star burns out, because there's no use for it anymore." 

 

"do you believe the story, mommy?" calum asked joy through a yawn. joy nodded, looking back up at the night sky. 

 

"of course," she smiled. "i believe that every star is different, unique. just like us, cal. and then one day, when it's lived up to it's full potential, it burns out." 

 

she looked down to ask the same question to her youngest child, but he was fast asleep in her lap. she smiled fondly at the boy, scooping him up in her arms and carrying him inside. laying him down in his bed, tucking him in and kissing his forehead, she sighed. "if only there was a way to tell who's star was who's, huh?" 

 

and now, here he is. 14 years later, at the age of 19, he still holds the story to his heart and believes it 100%.

 

he doesn't know why it's a big deal to people whether they believe it or not, since either way it isn't harmful to anyone, but once again, religion is kind of the same way, he thinks. it doesn't hurt anyone if you believe something they don't believe, until someone makes a big deal out of it. that's what it has come to, you either believe it or you don't; pick your side. it's quite sad, really. people start fights over this harmless little story all the time. it shouldn't be a big deal at all, but other people think otherwise.

 

"cal?" someone asked. 

 

"yeah?" calum responded. 

 

"you've been staring at the sky for like a half hour. can we do something else?" they said again, groaning at the end of the sentence.

 

calum chuckled. "fine, mikey," calum said, rolling over from his position on his back over onto his stomach, resting his chin on his hands. "what do you want to do?"

 

michael clifford was calum's best friend, or _brother_ , really. they've been inseparable since year 9, when they met in the school bathrooms. it was quite the awkward meet, and calum wishes that they could've met another way. _any_ other way.

 

it was the start of second semester and calum had just switched schools (he's not going to get into too many details on why, but kids are cruel and he's an easy target, he thinks). of course, he was there a bit early since his mother had dropped him off on the way to work, so he went in, got his schedule and whatever else was needed, and he was on his way.

 

after finding his locker and putting his things in their spots, he decided to explore. calum wishes he would've walked by the bathroom when he saw it on the left side of the hallway, but getting to know your surroundings in a new school is a good way to start, right? 

 

calum pushed the door open slowly, his eyes meeting the sink and a few urinals. of course, one urinal had two bodies hovering over it, one up against the wall and the other holding it there. and they were making out. hard. calum let out a small squeak (and regretting it instantly), and the two people jumped apart, wiping their mouthes. one boy with a horrifyingly long fringe shot calum a glare. the other boy, a small boy with terribly swept hair and blue eyes, just breathed quickly with wide eyes and a red face. 

 

"haven't you heard of _knocking_?" the fringed boy spat. calum blushed lightly, raising his eyebrows. 

 

"this _is_ a public bathroom, you know," calum retorted, pointing at the door. the boy's glare softened and his face turned as red as the other boy's. 

 

"whatever," he muttered, grabbing the smaller boy's arm. "c'mon luke." he pushed past calum and stormed out of the bathroom. calum sighed and brought his hand to his forehead. he's such an idiot. 

 

calum walked into math class that same day, his binder in his hands, when his eyes stopped on the same fringed boy from the bathroom there. the boy widened his eyes and his cheeks heated once again. with calum's luck, the only empty desk was the one behind him. "ah shit," he muttered to himself, taking a seat. 

 

after a few minutes of awkward tension as calum watched the clock tick slowly, waiting for the bell to ring so class would start and he would be totally distracted by math to think about the embarrassing experience he had witnessed that morning, the fringed boy turned around. calum turned his attention toward the boy, noticing he had a nice shade of green to his eyes. 

 

"hey," the boy muttered awkwardly. "i'm sorry for uh, snapping at you like that. um, it was my fault, t-that whole situation." he brought his hand up to scratch the back of his neck, chuckling nervously. 

 

"don't worry about it," calum waved him off. "sorry for intruding." the boy let out a sigh of relief. 

 

"so, are you new here? i've never seen you before," he asked, and calum nodded. 

 

"uh, yeah. just moved here today actually," calum responded. the boy nodded and reached his hand over the desk. 

 

"i'm michael, by the way." calum grabbed michael's hand and shook it, flashing him a soft smile. 

 

"calum."

 

it's been almost 4 years since that day, and calum has grown so much closer to michael over time. 

 

calum has watched michael grow over the past 4 years. he definitely has the same attitude, but his blonde fringe didn't stay for long. he began dying his hair crazy colours, and soon enough let calum pick every colour he had. calum thinks he's done the whole rainbow and should stop before his hair falls out, but michael thinks otherwise. right now his hair is black, with red, blue, and white splashes here and there.

 

michael had also gotten a few piercings and tattoos, matching his bad boy personality. he has an eyebrow piercing and both ears pierced, a few tattoos littered on his arms as well.

 

michael could say the same to calum about how he's watched him grow up. his hair used to be a little too long (although he shouldn't really be talking) so it flipped out around his ears, but it was now cut short with blond streaks in the front. his arms have definitely grown, and he's become a very fit boy. his arms also have a few tattoos, and he says he wants more. 

 

although the first encounter was embarrassing, and both boys wished that it wouldn't have happened, they probably wouldn't have been this close if it didn't happen. so calum curses and thanks the universe everyday for his best friend michael, and vice versa. 

 

"i wanna go to the park," michael responds. calum chuckles. 

 

"the park? why the park?" 

 

"because there's no swings in your backyard," michael whines. "don't laugh at me." 

 

"fine," calum smiles, getting to his feet and helping michael up with him. the two boys walk together, down the dark street side by side. 

 

the park was only a block over, so it didn't take long to get there. once it was in sight, michael ran towards the swings, laughing and dropping himself down onto one. calum followed behind, sitting on the empty swing beside michael's.

 

the first 10 minutes was spent seeing who could swing the highest, who could jump off the swing the farthest, and other silly games michael was making up. after that, they swung slowly and once again, calum looked up at the sky. 

 

the sky had always been beautiful to calum, whether it be the bright litter of stars against the blackness or the fluffs of clouds against the blue morning. he was so infatuated with the sky itself, no matter what was in it or what covered it. 

 

"michael?" calum asked, keeping his eyes above him.

 

"yeah?" 

 

"do you believe in the star story?" calum asked, turning towards him. michael looked at him, raising his eyebrows. 

 

"why?" he asked, calum shrugged. 

 

"just wondering," calum kinda regretted asking the question.

 

"i mean, i don't know. i don't know why people make such a big deal out of it, i mean, what harm does it do? it's just _stars_ ," michael huffed. 

 

calum nodded in understanding. "i know what you mean," calum responded. "i believe in it, i guess. my mom and sister do, so i kinda grew up believing it." michael nodded back.

 

"do you think, if it is real, there's a way to find out who's star is who's?"

 

"probably," michael shrugged. "some scientists or some shit have probably figured it out." 

 

"you know," calum said, getting off of his swing. michael furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, but got up and followed calum. he sat down beside calum when he rested in the grass. "there's two really bright stars up there. they never dim, they only seem to get brighter. or maybe that's just me, but i always notice them; they're the first stars to show up at dusk." michael watched calum as he spoke, smiling fondly. 

 

"you're really into the stars, huh?" michael asked. calum blushed lightly, nodding. michael looked up at the sky. "maybe those stars are ours, the bright ones." calum laughs lightly. 

 

"you think we're the brightest stars in the sky out of the billions if stars?" calum raises an eyebrow. michael shrugged. 

 

"maybe." 

 

calum doesn't know why he believes it, but he _does_.

 

* * *

 

a month later, mali-koa hood died in a tragic car accident, when she was struck by a drunk driver. the impact killed her instantly, the driver taking little or no damage at all. 

 

calum was _devastated_.

 

he wouldn't sleep or talk to anyone, not even michael. he would eat very little and spend most of his time in his room. the first time calum spoke was at his sister's funeral, as he was asked to speak. he talked about how caring she was, how great of an older sister she was, how he looked up to her, and how she was loved by many. 

 

he didn't shed one tear.

 

michael and his family were there, although he never really knew why they were asked to join them today. not to be rude, but him and mali never really talked, besides the usual "hello's" and "how are you's" exchanged quickly. however, he's glad he is here, because during calum's speech he looked over at michael, and michael gave him a thumbs up. calum seemed to relax, even if it was just the slightest bit of relaxation, it was enough to get him through his talk. 

 

after the funeral and the routine of "thank you for coming," "i'm sorry for your loss," calum didn't go home with his mom and dad. he needed some time alone. his parents new how close he and mali were, so they let it slide and calum stayed at her grave for a long time. 

 

"hey," calum heard from beside him, and it startled him a little. he shot his head towards the source of the voice. michael. calum swallowed hard and turned his attention back to the grave. 

 

"you did a really good job today," michael said softly, resting his hand on calum's back, against the material of his black suit. "i'm proud of you." 

 

"thank you," calum whispered, sniffling. michael began rubbing calum's back, and it was more than comforting to calum. he rested his head on michael's shoulder as the tears threatened to spill out of his eyes. michael sighed and sat both of them in the grass. 

 

calum curled into michael and began to cry. "w-why did it have to be her?" calum cried. "it's not fair! it's not _fair_!" calum punched michael's chest weakly, and michael made no attempt to stop him. "s-she had a _great_ l-life ah-head of her! it's not _fair_!" 

 

"i know, i know," michael sniffled, trying not to cry with calum. calum eventually gave up on punching michael and dropped his arms to the ground, crying harder. michael rubbed his back and stayed quiet, until calum calmed down. calum pulled away from michael and wiped his eyes. 

 

"'m sorry, got your suit all wet," calum apologized. michael smiled sadly, wiping his hands down his tear stained blazer. 

 

"don't worry about it," michael said, turning so him and calum were side to side. michael sprawled his legs out in front of him while calum pulled his into his chest. michael wrapped an arm around calum's shoulders. 

 

"somewhere up there, a star burned out," calum mumbled, looking up at the stars. "it burned out way too soon, it hadn't lived to it's full potential." 

 

"but maybe it did," michael responded, squeezing calum's shoulder. "mali had a lot of potential. sure it was never put to future use, but she treated you well and you treated her well. she loved her parents and you with all her heart and she still does, wherever she is out there. trust me, her star may have 'burned out,' but her heart never will." 

 

calum took michael's words into consideration, looking up at him. calum looked down at michael, smiling sadly. "it's going to be okay." he reassured calum. 

 

calum nodded, looking down at the freshly placed dirt that covered mali's coffin.

 

it's going to be okay. 

 

calum doesn't know why he believes it, but he _does_. 

 

* * *

 

it's been a few months and calum's getting better. he's eating healthy again, and he talks but not as much as he used to. he also still spends a lot of time in his room, but most of his time at night is spent outside looking up at the stars. 

 

michael has been there to help him improve along the way. he sneaks into calum's backyard almost every night (he's been caught a few times) and sits with him. sometime's they just sit in silence, sometimes they talk about life itself, and most times michael comforts calum as he cries. 

 

calum's shattered by the loss of his sister, and michael knows this. michael knows it's going to take a long time to heal, and he usually isn't that patient, but he can wait years for calum. he can wait lifetimes for calum. 

 

it's 7:00 when he gets a call from calum. 

 

"hello?" michael answers. 

 

"hi, michael? c-could you come over?" calum asked. he sounded quite nervous. 

 

"yeah, of course. i'll be right over, what's up?" michael said, concerned. 

 

"i'll tell you when you get here," calum responded. they said their goodbyes and michael hung up, slipping on his shoes and getting in the car.

 

michael's mind was racing with things that calum could 'tell him.' he was mostly worried, thinking that maybe he doesn't want to be friends anymore. but michael knew he was overreacting and he shook his head, chuckling to himself.

 

he pulled into calum's driveway and got out of the car, climbing over the fence (he had a feeling calum would be outside). it was weird when he first got the call, considering it wasn't dark yet and the stars weren't out. nonetheless, michael would still go to calum's house if he needed him at whatever time of day. 

 

"hi," michael said, sitting in front of calum. calum smiled softly at him. michael looked closer at him, noticing the light purple circles under his eyes, meaning he hadn't gotten much sleep.

 

"hi," calum said softly.  "listen, i _really_ need to tell you something that's been bugging me for a few weeks." 

 

"okay, what's up?" michael asks, resting his hand on calum's leg. "you can tell me anything." calum took in a shaky breath. 

 

"okay, well, i know we've been friends for a while and i know we don't keep secrets from each other but you've been so caring and loving the past months and i've been feeling this weird feeling in my stomach whenever you're around and at first i just thought it was because you were being so thoughtful and loving in my time of need and that's how i was reacting to it i guess? but i've come to realization that i _really_ like you, michael. like a lot, not just like a friend, and i've probably just ruined our friendship but-" 

 

calum stopped talking. but he didn't do it himself. 

 

he stopped talking because there was another pair of lips against his. 

 

calum closed his eyes and kissed back, michael smiling and pulling away.  "shut up, you dweeb. i like you too." michael laughed. calum smiled wide, and it's the widest michael has seen him smile in a long time. he's missed it. 

 

"really?" calum asked, unsure. 

 

"really." michael replied confidently.  and he believes michael.

 

calum doesn't know why he believes it, but he _does_.

 

* * *

 

"hello?"

 

"hey _boyfriend_ , get dressed." 

 

"i am dressed."

 

"i mean out of your pyjamas and into normal clothes, stupid." 

 

"why? i'm comfy." 

 

"i wanna take you on a date." 

 

"another one? we've been on like 20 dates."

 

"come _on_ , calum!" 

 

"..fine." 

 

calum hung up the phone, pushing himself out of bed and walking over to his closet. he pulled out a sweater that he didn't know he had (it's probably michael's, honestly) and a pair of black skinny jeans. he grabbed his phone to see a new text.

 

**_mikey_ : i'm here**

 

calum chuckled fondly, shoving his phone in his pocket and walking downstairs. he slipped on his boots and walked out to michael's car. 

 

"why are we going on a date at 9:00 at night?" calum asked. michael scoffed. 

 

"why do you have to question me?" he responded. calum laughed, shaking his head. 

 

"drama queen," he muttered under his breath as michael pulled out of the driveway. when they got to michael's designated spot, the sun was setting. michael got out and ran around to the other side, opening the door for calum. 

 

"such a gentleman," calum mumbles, and michael nodded. 

 

"only treating the prince the way he needs to be treated." 

 

"i'm a prince now?" 

 

"you're a prince in my eyes." calum blushed and hit michael on the shoulder. 

 

"you corny fuck." michael grinned at him, taking his hand and leading him through the trees. when they got to a clearing, calum gasped in awe. there was a picnic blanket and basket laid out on the edge of a cliff, looking out onto the city as the sun set behind it. michael's confident composure suddenly shrunk into a shy one. 

 

"i-i thought it was a good spot to have a little picnic, you know?" michael asked, turning to his boyfriend. "if you don't like it, w-we can go somewhere else or-" 

 

calum kissed him quickly. "i love it. stop doubting yourself." michael smiled and pulled him over to the blanket. 

 

they both sat down and michael immediately began pulling things out of the basket. he had made sandwiches, cut up some fruit, and even brought a bottle of champagne. calum laughed at that. 

 

"champagne? on a picnic?" michael blushed.

 

"i like champagne," he responded. calum laughed again. 

 

"we don't look like we should be drinking champagne," he added, referencing to the clothes they were in. michael shrugged. 

 

"oh well," michael laughed, popping the cork off the bottle and pouring 2 glasses of the liquid. they raised their glasses. "to our 20th date," michael smirked, causing calum to laugh even more. calum nodded and they both took a drink, digging into their sandwiches. 

 

the sun was finally set and the sky was almost black. calum looked up and gasped softly, hitting michael's shoulder. "michael look," he said, pointing up at the sky. michael looked up and saw 2 bright stars standing out from the darkness. "i told you, there they are."

 

"our stars," michael smiled. calum shook his head.

 

"they aren't ours, silly," calum smiled, poking michael's cheek. "they could be anyone's." 

 

"okay, _metaphorically_ _speaking_ ," michael began. "what if they are our stars? how can we find out?" 

 

"i don't know," calum shrugged. "just wait until they burn out, i guess." michael frowned. 

 

"so, we'll never know if they're our stars until we die?" he asked. calum shrugged again. 

 

"yeah. i mean, there's no other way to tell." he responded. michael let out a dissatisfied huff. 

 

"sucks." 

 

"yeah."

 

"i always wonder which one was mali's," calum blurts out before he could stop himself. he shuts his eyes tightly. "sorry, sorry. let's not make this about my family, this is _our_ date." 

 

"you can talk about it if you want," michael reassured him. calum looked at michael and michael nodded, telling him it was okay.

 

"well, i mean, there has to be a way to tell which star is yours before you die. that isn't fair, because once you die, you can't tell anyone which star was yours. and no one will know because it's gone," calum sighed. "i wish i knew which star was mali's before she died. i don't know why, but i feel like knowing which one was hers would bring us closer together, i guess? like, that star is _hers_ , and this one is _mine_. it's just killing me that i didn't know which one was hers before it burned out." calum paused, frowning. "or maybe it didn't burn out. maybe my entire life has revolved around a lie." 

 

"don't think of it that way," michael frowned. "i've come to believe the whole star thing, with all your theories and thoughts. don't give up on it now, it's been very important to you and your family for years." 

 

"you're right," calum nodded. "i don't know. stories are stupid." 

 

"life is stupid." michael responded. calum looked at him. 

 

"yeah," he said, turning his attention back to the overlook of the city. "it is." 

 

both boys watched as lights in the dark buildings began to go out. it's like the stars, calum thought, leaning his head onto michael's shoulder. eventually, he drifted off and dreamed of his sister, telling him that she is happy and that things will turn out okay. 

 

calum doesn't know why he believes it, but he _does_.

 

* * *

**3:06am**

**_mikey_ : come to my house  **

**_mikey_ : quick **

 

calum was awake when he received those messages, swiftly sending a reply. 

 

**_cal_ : what's going on? **

 

he quickly slipped on his shoes and was getting into his car when he got another message.

 

**_mikey_ : please just get here **

 

calum panicked, starting his car and quickly driving to michael's house. he rushed over to the door and jiggled the handle, realizing it was locked. he huffed and grabbed the key from under the welcome mat, shakily unlocking the door and running in.

 

"michael?" calum called, shutting the door behind him. he ran up the stairs and into michael's room, seeing him lying on top of the bed. it was weird, since he never laid on top of the covers, always underneath them. calum rushed over, looking over michael who was unusually pale, eyes closed. 

 

"mikey?" calum panicked, shaking the boy. michael opened his eyes, only for them to fall shut again. 

 

"calum," michael muttered weakly. "i'm sorry." 

 

"what? why? michael are you okay? what's going on?" the tears were streaming now, and calum was on the bed straddling the boy. 

 

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry," michael kept repeating. calum grabbed his hands, only to see his arms littered with red lines. calum shook his head. 

 

"no no no, michael no," calum gasped, taking his phone out of his pocket and dialling 911. "michael no, no don't leave me." 

 

"i'm sorry, i'm _so_ sorry," michael whispered, tears going down his face as well. calum grabbed his face. 

 

"open your eyes and look at me, michael, _please_ ," calum cried. michael tried to open them, but they fell shut.

 

"sleepy," michael responded. calum breathed heavily, looking over to michael's bedside table to see an empty bottle of pills and a blade. 

 

"no no no, michael we _have_ to get those pills out of you," calum said, pulling michael up. michael winced weakly. 

 

calum told the lady on the phone what was happening and she said an ambulance would be over right away. 

 

"cal, too late," michael mumbled, his hands slowly reaching up to calum's cheeks. his head dropped into calum's chest. 

 

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry." calum quickly took off his sweater and pressed it to michael's wrists. his cries rang through the house.

 

"stay with me mikey, please don't leave me." michael lifted his head to press a weak kiss to calum's lips. michael's lips were a little colder than normal, which scared calum. 

 

"i love you," michael mumbled. "i love you, i love you," his eyes slipped closed again. 

 

"no, no michael, i love you too, please open your eyes!" calum said, shaking michael. his eyes didn't open. 

 

"sorry, i'm sorry, i love you," he continued mumbling. "open your fucking eyes!" calum yelled, crying heavily.

 

michael's mumbles silenced. 

 

calum's cries didn't.

 

* * *

 

"hey, mikey." calum smiled, sitting in front of his boyfriend. michael smiled back. "sorry i haven't come by in a while, i've been a little busy." michael shrugged and waved it off. 

 

"quiet today, huh?" calum chuckled. michael shrugged again. "that's okay, i don't talk much normally either." 

 

it was dusk, when calum and michael hung out. michael had always snuck into calum's backyard at night, so they decided to switch it around, and calum went to michael instead. 

 

they sat together, sometimes in silence, sometimes calum talked. michael didn't speak much anymore. they always looked up at the stars together. calum smiled up at the sky, then turned to michael. 

 

"you know, i'm really sorry for never listening to your problems, or taking the time to figure them out. i'm sorry for making it about me and my problems all the time, please forgive me?" michael nodded and rested a hand on calum's shoulder, kissing his cheek. calum gave him a small smile in return. 

 

"i love you, so much." he said. michael nodded and smiled in a way of saying 'i love you too.' 

 

"i should probably get going, mum's gonna wonder where i am," calum sighed. "i promise i'll come more often, yeah?" michael nodded, and calum stood up. 

 

"oh, and these are for you," he said, dropping a few roses in the slot. "i know roses are your favourite." calum placed a kiss on the tombstone in front of him, running his hand across the name engraved into it. 

 

'clifford' 

 

"see you around, mikey. i love you." calum began walking home, his hands in his pockets and his head turned towards the orange sky. 

 

one bright star was placed in the middle of the current sunset. the other was nowhere to be seen. 

 

but it hadn't been since the day michael died. 

 

calum blew a kiss into the air, smiling sadly. "your star may have burned out, but your heart never will." 

 

in the back of his mind, he can hear his boyfriend telling him that everything will be okay. 

 

calum doesn't know why he believes it, but he _does_.


End file.
